When someone you love dies, someone who has been a part of your life everyday for 28 years...what do you do? How do you go on? Everyone says it'll be alright. They tell me I'm strong. They tell me that I'll get through this. They tell me that things will get better with time, that it's gonna be OK.
How? How can anything be OK again? Yes, death is natural. Yes, we all have to die someday. But we do not all die suddenly, with no warning, in the middle of the day while trying to fix ourselves lunch. It took a matter of minutes, if not seconds. Even if I'd been home, there's little chance i could have saved him. I was the last to see him, the first to find him. I didn't cry, just screamed and shook for hours, unable to hold a glass of water without dropping it. And try as i might, i can't forget any of it.
I don't regret a lot - i loved him and he knew that, and i was always his little girl. I wished I'd hugged him that morning, i wish we hadn't argued the night before, but i spent more time with him that most people my age get with their parents. But that just means that every part of this house makes me think of him.
My faith has been shaken. I was just starting to believe that i might get through all this shit that's been going on in my life. I was just starting to believe that things might start to be OK, again. My dad was just starting to understand what was going on and doing his very best to help me, to comfort me, to make me feel safe, to make me feel like i might get through this somehow.
How am i supposed to believe that now?
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