Waiting and Waiting

Now and then there is that moment when you find something that shocks your system and causes you to feel something completely unexpected. It could be a beautiful film, it could be a book, it could be a painting, it could be a song you hear for the first time, but sometimes it flips a switch on a memory or an emotion and it becomes so much more. And it's no surprise that art evokes emotion - that's what it's supposed to do. But sometimes you see that painting, and an hour later you realizes you are still standing there, staring at it, and you don't know why. Or you hear that song for the first time(or perhaps it's the 50th and you've just never listened to the lyrics before) and suddenly for no reason you just start crying; not necessarily because you're sad, or happy or anything in particular. It's because it rips open that part of yourself that you thought was closed so tightly - perhaps for good - and all at once you're feeling ALL THE THINGS and the only way you can release it all is with tears.

I have felt so utterly broken lately. I'm not numb, exactly, but i know there are a lot of things i haven't felt lately. Part of it might be that i just don't have the energy right now with everything else going on. Part of it might be that i just feel so damn alone these days. Maybe it's just depression - i hate that explanation because it always *could* be depression, since the sole mission of depression seems to be to fuck with any normality in your life. And sometimes mine manifests in complete numbness, sometimes only a little bit, sometimes for a day, sometimes months. But i guess i get scared that i can't feel those things anymore, that i won't be able to open myself up to someone when i need to. It's been so long since anyone has asked me to, or that i've felt it was ok, that i'm not sure i remember how. It's at the point where...i don't exactly WANT to feel pain, but at least hurting is a feeling, it's proof that you are alive.  But i just found an album tonight by a guy named John Mark Nelson that broke me down completely in the span of 10 minutes. And in a way it hurts because it reminds me of all the things i haven't felt in so long, all the things i'm missing. But it also made me realize that...if i can be so moved by music, those feelings must all still be there. Maybe i haven't used them in a while, maybe i need a little help digging them out, but they're still there, waiting.

I opened up my guitar case and all the songs were blue

I originally set out to update this blog at least once a week. As you may have noticed i have already failed at that, but I've getting busier and I've been ill for quite some time. But even though things have been getting crazier, the thoughts in my head won't go anywhere if i don't let them out, and the illness is stress induced, so the bottom line is i need to write more and chill the fuck out. But it's when i finally have the time that my mind runs blank. So I'm going to post something that's been a long time coming.

I've been meaning to write this post for a long time. Like a really long time. I started drafting it right after the event and then just kept putting it off and putting it off like i do sometimes. And it's been like....a few months now. And I've been feeling pretty low lately, so i guess this is as good a time as any to write about something i love. Heads up - this is gonna be a long post....

So at the end of July i went to a killer concert. I actually saw two concerts - i had 2 shows this summer I'd been planing to go to for a while and they both ended up being on the same weekend. When i was fighting a pretty severe chest cold and had nearly lost my voice. Go figure. The second show was a local guy who'd been on American Idol that my friend wanted to see, and he was really good. I felt a bit odd in a room full of women fangirling over this pseudo celebrity(Since that's really not my scene). But he was really good. Sounded like if you crossed John Mayer's voice with Mumford and Sons(yes, there was a banjo).

But the first show....wow. The concert i saw that Friday was one i had been looking forward to for months and months. I had already decided that if i couldn't find anyone to go with me, social stigmas be damned, i was going alone. Hell, i barely slept the night before and i was still seriously ill, and people told me that maybe i should stay home and get well.But was GOING to that show. I just powered through work and drank several cups of coffee and an energy drink. Ya know, because that's healthy.

So the show was for a guy named Gregory Alan Isakov. If you don't know who that is, I'm not surprised. He's not very mainstream, but he's one of the most talented musicians I've ever heard. I met up with my friend for the show, and she had never heard him before, but she's always up for some good indie music. The concert was pretty amazing. One of my favorite things about seeing live music is that i can actually feel the vibrations in my chest and in my bones. It's almost like a harmonic heartbeat. He started out with a a solo song  called "She Always Takes it Black" that was sad and sweet and heartbreaking, and then continued with an amazing cover of "Mama, You Been on My Mind." The rest of the show he played with a band that included a violin and a banjo(apparently this was my weekend of banjos). The best description i can give it is Americana indie folk. At one point they stepped away from the mics to the front of the stage to play it acoustic and they had a really amazing harmony going. During one of the last songs(before the encore) i started to tear up a little because it moved me so much - which is something i don't think I've ever done at a live show. But the whole time i had a ridiculous grin on my face.

After the show i asked my friend if she minded if we waited around to possibly talk to him. If you've never been to a small concert, meeting the musicians isn't that hard to do, as long as you're willing to wait around for a while. My friend said she didn't mind, but i warned her that she would likely see the fangirly side of me. I don't think I've ever been so nervous and excited to meet anyone in my life. Perhaps the first time i met The Alternate Routes, but that happened by accident, so i didn't have as much time to freak out. I had to wait a really long time because there were a number of people who wanted to talk to him, so by the time i was 2 people away i was pretty much freaking out. He was a lot shorter than i expected, as well as being very quiet - i got the impression he's either rather shy, despite being a performer. When i finally got to meet him, i introduced myself and proceeded to babble like a complete idiot and get all fangirly. I tripped over my words telling him how much i love his music and how heartfelt and inspiring it was, and i said inspiring a few too many times and at one point i was so excited and flustered i actually forgot what i was saying mid-sentence. Yup. At this point my friend jumped in and introduced herself, saying how i'd brought her and she'd never heard him before but that she loved the show. When i regained my ability to  speak i told him how wonderful his new album was and that there wasn't a song of his that i didn't love. And because the bar was full of loud people and he is very soft spoken, he leaned over to talk in my ear, which of course made my heart jump. And he said "Well that's the goal. If i can go home at the end of the day and still like a song, i think I WIN!!" I shyly asked if he would signed my copy of the new album and if i could get a photo with him, and he agreed. He seemed rather shy and even his smile was subtle, but he seemed excited to meet us and he responded very graciously to my ridiculous babbling. After we left i couldn't stop smiling. As i waited for the train, my friend and i talked for a while about the show and the songs and what they meant and i left with this feeling of complete clarity. Music seems to be an essential part of maintaining my mental and emotional health.  It can calm me and heal me and make me feel like myself again. And a good live show can lift my spirits and obliterate my anxieties in a way that makes me feel like i've taken some sort of miracle drug. I had been waiting to see him play for 2 years, and it was everything i had hoped for. For a couple months prior to this show, my depression and stress ans anxiety had increased dramatically, one feeding off the other, but when i walked out of that show, it was the first time in ages that i felt like i could breathe again.


It only seems fair to end this post with some music, so here's what i will leave you with:

I'm not dead!

Apologies for my long absence. Work has been crazy, and i've been rather ill as of late. So i am still here, and you can expect a big fat post within the week(hopefully the next couple days). It's one i've been meaning to write for ages, and it touches on the name of my blog, something that cheers me up, and one of my favorite things to ramble about: music.

Wasting all my time

I have this overwhelming feeling today that something is wrong.  Can't seem to shake it. I've taken a walk and had a delicious espresso beverage and gone to my favorite coffee shop to write. Wearing my favorite shirt and listening to my favorite singer....but something's not right. It doesn't feel sad, or stressed, or upset, or anything like that. It just feels....off. Can't seem to get the words on the page, can't focus. Can't do anything that i want to do.

Maybe that's just it though - it feels like today wasn't anything that i wanted it to be. But what was that? Relaxing? It was. A day i got to sleep in? Yep. A writing day? Well, i'm sitting here now and this is the most productive i've been in hours. Anybody else get these days? Days that feel like a waste? Perhaps it's part of the feeling that i constantly need to be productive or i'm wasting my time. Which is, y'know, bullshit.

I guess the best i can do is make use of the rest of the evening in the best way i can, and remember that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow i get to start over.

Perhaps i'll get started on the obscene amount of pumpkin bread i need to make for Thursday. By which i mean enough for at least 150 people.

Oh yes. There will be bread.

Depression and why we need to talk about it

I've been hearing about a lot of my friends having a tough time lately. And i've been having a tough time too. I think mine has been accentuated by stress and a lot of physical pain lately(which i think is largely due to stress), but it seems like a lot of us are going through a rough patch. And one of these friends mentioned something i said before about depression - we need to talk about this. This blog is a place for me to get out my thoughts, but it's not just about that. It's about the fact that when you talk about depression...nobody wants to listen. It's a downer. It's not fun. It's seen as a phase, something you can get over, something that's your problem, something that's wrong with you. Some people have the audacity to call it weakness. But i was pointed to an article, and that article linked to this heart wrenching video.

This. This is why i started this blog.

Manners and the Service Industry (or, Why You Should Tip Your Barista)

I've worked in retail/food service/ for years now, and it's the type of job where you learn to both love and hate your customers. More than half the time when i greet a customer, i get a response of :

I need this.
Give me this.
Ok, this, and that, and 2 of those and 4 of these, i think. Got it?

Sometimes they start talking before you even get to say hello. You see them, open your mouth to speak and hear "vanilla. i need vanilla." And then you have to say "what?" because your brain wasn't ready to take orders, and then they think you have a hearing problem. I don't expect a hug and a handshake. They don't even have to tell me how they are. But a smile, or a pause, or an acknowledgement that i have spoken to them and greeted them, or even making eye contact with to me to communicate that they would like help would be nice. And not everyone does that, some customers are wonderful. I had a women the other day who a coworker diverted to me, since i was available and she was not, and the customer(who is a regular) looked at me and almost hopped up and down saying "You're my favorite person!!" That's the kind of interaction that keeps you smiling through everything else. And lately I've been trying to be more conscious of my interactions when *I'm* the customer. I am usually polite, but I've been paying attention to how i act to other people because it's important, and some people are just rude, but i think a lot of people just don't really think about it. And we all need to think about it.

So here's my little tip for all of you - when people in the service industry say "hi, how are you today?" do not say "I need a large decaf latte, no foam and a toasted croissant." Say "I'm good, how are you?" Chances are they will smile. And you might too.

And be nice to your barista. People who haven't had their coffee yet aren't always the most pleasant in the morning, and the barista often gets reduced to a non-person. They aren't quite a waitress, they aren't exactly a cashier - they do all of it. Making a good cappuccino takes some real skill, and they have to create a work of art as quickly as possible while 5 more people waiting in line wonder what could possibly take 2 whole minutes, but expect the same for their order. That little jar full of change isn't for you to take a penny out of - that is for the person serving you, taking your money, and making your drink quickly while still managing a smile. So say thank you, and leave them your change once in a while.

boop!

Sometimes all you need is love a cat with opposable thumbs.

This too shall pass

I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty low today. It's hard to keep up a smile when everyone around you is in pain or stressed out or miserable. You want to fix it. You want to fix it all. And you feel like you could if you tried - but if you could, why haven't you tried? Why haven't you already rearranged that cabinet, repainted that ceiling, called that doctor, fixed that light fixture, cleaned all the crap out of that room, reorganized the closet? If you could do it, why haven't you? Maybe everyone is miserable because you haven't bothered to do these things. Why can't you be more productive with your life? Why can't you organize your time better so you can get more sleep and have more energy to cook dinner and go to the gym and clean up the back yard?

Do you see where I'm going with this? I need to fix it all. FIX ALL THE THINGS. And then i just want to curl in a ball with a box of cookies and not think about anything or talk to anyone or think about how I'm doing my life wrong. And THIS is why i started this blog. Several months of increased anxiety attacks(something that is usually pretty rare for me unless i'm under extreme stress), feeling constantly unwell and stomach acid, which i'm pretty sure is from stress. I need to chill the fuck out. Nothing is urgent. Nothing needs to be done now. You can't put everything off forever, but sometimes now is not the time. I guess i could try and fix everything. Sure, i could wear myself out too. Or i could try doing one thing at a time. God, even writing this is upping my anxiety and increasing my heart rate. The caffeine doesn't help, I'm sure. 

But today i didn't do a lot. I sat around, ate a leisurely lunch, took care of something I've been putting off, played with my cat who has been antsy since we were gone for a few days, took a walk and took it easy. I felt pretty great. And then everyone around me gets all tense and suddenly i feel sick to my stomach and one cup of coffee feels like 5 and i get this feeling that everything needs to be fixed and its my fault and it feels like it will never, ever go away. 

And i need to CUT THAT SHIT OUT. Because it's gonna be OK. I don't have anything due to tomorrow. No papers, no deadlines, no unpaid bills(not at the moment anyway), no blood transfusions, no flights to catch. I just gotta wake up, shower, and get to work. That's not so hard, right? I need to stop thinking it's all my fault, and that it's my job to fix it all. Because it's not. I can only do so much. and maybe right now that is just working, and going out sometimes, and writing here, and trying to learn how to relax. Maybe that's why i feel so sad? Because it feels like my fault. But this isn't my job. this isn't an 8 hour period where i get paid to constantly move and do things. This is the rest of the time. Maybe i just need to worry less. Maybe i need to stop thinking about how this feels like how it always is, how it always will be. This is temporary. All of it. 

Maybe i should just try and do something i enjoy. Maybe i should go write about something that makes me smile. I'm just not sure how to get out of this mindset that i'm doing everything wrong. That i'm living my life wrong. That is one of the worst feelings in the world - the idea that the way you go about things, the way you think and the way you do things, that it's all wrong and nobody bothered to tell you.

A post in which i realize i don't know how to relax

So my goal here is going to post at least once a week. Hopefully more, but I'm gonna leave it there for now because I've started so many blogs where i posted too often and it got overwhelming, or not enough, and then i got concerned about who was reading it or what i should be writing and my head almost exploded so i quit. This time it's about me. I would love to have an audience. I would LOOOOVE it. If you're reading this now, comment and say hello so i know you're out there. But the whole point of this is that I'm a writer who is not writing. And there is something wrong with that. But I'm cringing when i look at my old works that need new endings(I'm really hard on myself) and I'm intimidated by the new ones I've started/the ideas that have yet to be written. SO. Here we are.

I have realized one thing lately. I've been feeling very unwell for the last couple of weeks. Mentally, physically, my appetite is off, I'm feeling sick to my stomach no matter what i eat/don't eat. One day coffee makes me violently ill. But it's fine the next. One day i eat fried food and i'm fine. I eat salads and i want to curl up in a ball. But I've had cousins over, I've had a lot going on at work, i have been sleeping poorly, and I've been concerned about a lot of my own things(how i need to save money, clean out my room, get into a better routine, be less stressed - yes, i'm stressed about being stressed), and I've walked around feeling like a zombie with no appetite. And i realized something:

I need to chill the fuck out.

And then i realized something else - i don't know how. I don't know how to relax. I sort of do - i get a root beer and a good movie, or a book, or my guitar and have a night in. Or just put on my headphones and walk until i get tired of the music or i forgot what i was worried about. But then i have a day off, and i sleep in. OH GOD I SLEPT IN. And suddenly, i can't do everything i meant to get done. And then it's already 3 or 4 and I've done nothing, so i can only do a few thing I've planned and I'm stressed out because i wasted the day because I'm a lazy person and i cant get anything done ever and i'm never organized and this is why my whole life is a mess and i don't know what i'm doing with my life. And then i get out and do everything in a hurry or i sit around feeling sorry for myself that i wasted the day. Because obviously a day off can't be a day off.

Now some of you may have noticed somewhere in that paragraph that this is all bullshit. Because sometimes on a day off, you need to sit on your ass and do nothing. Sometimes that's what you need. I run around 5 days a week where i am on my feet for 8 straight hours with a pretty smile painted on my face, acting polite and friendly even when i get insulted by people who think i'm a dumb blonde and that i wasted my college education by working in a shop(a shop where i have to retain a ridiculous amount of information where i learn new things everyday). It's exhausting. And I'm pretty sure that all this stress is what is causing me to feel like a zombie with no appetite. So what did i do today? Almost nothing. I had planned to do a bunch of things today, but it's 95 degrees in the Chicago suburbs today, and so i sat on my ass most of the day with my cat, in an air conditioned room. And now I'm writing. Maybe that's all I'll get done today, but you know what? I deserve it. That's the important thing here. It's OK to do nothing sometimes. It's ok to relax. It's ok to have a day where i did nothing productive other than take a shower and get dressed. Hell, sometimes you just gotta spend a whole day in your PJ's. I think everyone needs that at least once.

Now lazing about is not something you should do all the time, of course. And i find that often doing nothing can get really depressing. And when you get depressed, it's hard to do anything because you just think "what's the point?". So you don't get anything done, and then.... But why is that so bad? A vacation is doing nothing. Well, it depends on who you are, i guess. Some people wake up at dawn on vacation so they don't miss a minute to do things. But vacations are important so you can recharge from your usual life, especially if you put a lot of effort into your job/school/etc. So why can't i do that for a day? Yes, there are a million things to get done - and there always will be. Always. Well, until i write a bestseller and become rich and hire a secretary to do everything for me so i can spend all day writing and doing what i want.  But until then, sometimes it's OK to have a day where i have absolutely nothing to show for it.

It's OK, because i deserve it.

Stars

Whenever i go walking late at night, beneath a sky full of stars, it always gives me the feeling that there is something beautiful at the edge of my mind, something that i just cannot reach. And it’s almost as if i think that if i just stare at them long enough, i’ll figure out what it is…but i never do. And it fills me with this sense of awe and sadness, of inspiration and mortality. A sort of sad passion i could never explain. But maybe that’s the whole reason i write in the first place, because i'm trying to explain things i've never been quite able to put into words. Because i want to make you see what i see. Maybe that’s why i’m here.

And so it begins...

So I've been meaning to start a blog for ages.

Well, start a blog and keep it, anyway. The big question has been: what is this about? Why am i here? What do i have to say? Does anyone give a shit? I am by no means a quiet person - i can talk a lot. And i am analytical and curious by nature. So there's a lot going on my head and a lot i have to talk about. So i finally decided to start a blog on something i love and something i hate - or rather, something i could talk about endlessly, and something i need to talk about.

Something i hate: So I've got depression. This is something i need to talk about. Honestly, this is something we as a society need to talk about. If you bring up depression with someone who isn't familiar with the topic or isn't comfortable with it, you usually get one of two reactions. 1) "Oh....I'm sorry..."*uncomfortable silence* And then they assume everything you say will be sad and act somber, or they say almost nothing and pretend the floor is really, REALLY fascinating until they can suddenly think of something to change the subject.. 2) "Have you seen a doctor? Maybe you should get some meds. They helped my cousin. Well, how do you know if you haven't tried them first?"

Just because someone is depressed doesn't mean everything they say will be sad. It doesn't mean they are always sad. It doesn't mean they want you to be sad for them - in fact, that will likely make them feel worse. I have days where I'm a goddamn ray of sunshine, sometimes. If you don't get it, ask us. If you don't know what it means, ask us. If you're uncomfortable because you don't know what to say, that's ok, just don't pretend it's invisible, like a giant pink elephant you're avoiding making eye contact with. And not everybody needs meds. Throwing pills at a problem doesn't always fix it. And the side effects aren't always worth it. I've got pretty mild depression, so i have my bad days, but a lot of times some sleep, a cheerful movie, and a good friend to talk to will help. Not always, but a lot of the time. I cannot tell you how many times people have told me "well maybe you need medication" right off the bat. It's possible, but it's not like trying a new kind of muffin. You don't just try it on. It's something you research and talk to a pro about. And at this point in time, i haven't found evidence that any sort of heavy meds will provide more positive effects than negative. I've been trying a supplement called Sam-e(which i highly recommend) and it really seems to be helping so far. And this brings me to...

Something i love: In my opinion, the best way to get out of a sour mood is to do something you love. This doesn't always fix it. Some days are too bad to fix. But i have fixed many a bad day by baking some cookies. Worst case scenario? I'm still in a bad mood and i have cookies. There are worse things.  But i also find that writing or watching a good film can help. Writing allows me to get out my anxieties, even if it's on a piece of paper that i throw away. And a good film can inspire you or give you hope that sometimes there are happy endings, even if it's only a story. But what helps me to heal the most  is music. It inspires me, gives me hope, tells a story, and it evokes emotions i sometimes forget about. As someone who sometimes feels a little numb, that's a pretty powerful thing.

And so i guess my goal here is to create a place to talk about those difficult days and the struggles of living with a weight on your shoulders, and the things that make it worth trouble. So it is a place for me and my own thoughts, but if it can provide any advice for anyone dealing with the same things, or help them feel less alone, than i will be nothing short of ecstatic.

And so begins my journey into the land of Blog.