I've never been one to use unnecessary medication. I even used to avoid painkillers, up until i sprained my ankle and learned that ibuprofen could be my new best friend. And that's how I've handled my depression so far, finding my own way to get out of it, doing things i love to cheer me up, fixing myself naturally. And then anxiety got thrown in, and i still tried to handle on my own, but i was given some meds for anxiety to have around, just in case. And i reluctantly kept them around "just in case" - and it's a damn good thing i did. Because, it turns out, i couldn't handle it on my own. Because the anxiety was hindering my ability to be myself, to function normally. It affected my mental health as well as my physical health - which caused more anxiety. And so i had meds for anxiety, meds for my other physical ailments, meds for the pain, meds for my allergies, vitamins, and sam-e that I've been taking for over a year now. And some mornings it was depressing to wake up, make coffee and take a small arsenal of pills, just to try and get back to "normal."
Needless to say i wasn't too keen on adding anything else to my pantry, even though i didn't seem to be getting better. But right now i can't write, i can't wake up, i can't smile, i can't get rid of these dreams about waking up late for work, missed flights, and running from people trying to harm me. I can't do it alone. And i called a few friends - despite my increasing phone anxiety - and i talked to them about their experiences. And they agreed that i couldn't do it alone. I shouldn't do it alone.
You have to understand something about me. I have always had to work for the things i wanted. I have always had to depend on myself to be sure something got done. I have been hurt by enough good friends that I've become more and more selective about trusting people - something that is very hard to do for someone who has a tendency to see the good in most people, even the ones that aren't easy to like. So I'm used to taking care of things by myself. But sometimes you just can't fix it all with a good walk, some Thai food and your favorite movie. Sometimes when you're depressed, all the things that used to make you happy just.....don't, anymore. And so as difficult as it is, I'm trying to reconcile myself with this idea that sometimes i can't fix it myself.
And that's OK. It's OK to ask for help. It's OK to need something or someone, especially if you're just trying to get back to normal. It is not failure, it is not weakness. It's just another obstacle, and some are too big to move by yourself.
