Wasting all my time

I have this overwhelming feeling today that something is wrong.  Can't seem to shake it. I've taken a walk and had a delicious espresso beverage and gone to my favorite coffee shop to write. Wearing my favorite shirt and listening to my favorite singer....but something's not right. It doesn't feel sad, or stressed, or upset, or anything like that. It just feels....off. Can't seem to get the words on the page, can't focus. Can't do anything that i want to do.

Maybe that's just it though - it feels like today wasn't anything that i wanted it to be. But what was that? Relaxing? It was. A day i got to sleep in? Yep. A writing day? Well, i'm sitting here now and this is the most productive i've been in hours. Anybody else get these days? Days that feel like a waste? Perhaps it's part of the feeling that i constantly need to be productive or i'm wasting my time. Which is, y'know, bullshit.

I guess the best i can do is make use of the rest of the evening in the best way i can, and remember that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow i get to start over.

Perhaps i'll get started on the obscene amount of pumpkin bread i need to make for Thursday. By which i mean enough for at least 150 people.

Oh yes. There will be bread.

Depression and why we need to talk about it

I've been hearing about a lot of my friends having a tough time lately. And i've been having a tough time too. I think mine has been accentuated by stress and a lot of physical pain lately(which i think is largely due to stress), but it seems like a lot of us are going through a rough patch. And one of these friends mentioned something i said before about depression - we need to talk about this. This blog is a place for me to get out my thoughts, but it's not just about that. It's about the fact that when you talk about depression...nobody wants to listen. It's a downer. It's not fun. It's seen as a phase, something you can get over, something that's your problem, something that's wrong with you. Some people have the audacity to call it weakness. But i was pointed to an article, and that article linked to this heart wrenching video.

This. This is why i started this blog.

Manners and the Service Industry (or, Why You Should Tip Your Barista)

I've worked in retail/food service/ for years now, and it's the type of job where you learn to both love and hate your customers. More than half the time when i greet a customer, i get a response of :

I need this.
Give me this.
Ok, this, and that, and 2 of those and 4 of these, i think. Got it?

Sometimes they start talking before you even get to say hello. You see them, open your mouth to speak and hear "vanilla. i need vanilla." And then you have to say "what?" because your brain wasn't ready to take orders, and then they think you have a hearing problem. I don't expect a hug and a handshake. They don't even have to tell me how they are. But a smile, or a pause, or an acknowledgement that i have spoken to them and greeted them, or even making eye contact with to me to communicate that they would like help would be nice. And not everyone does that, some customers are wonderful. I had a women the other day who a coworker diverted to me, since i was available and she was not, and the customer(who is a regular) looked at me and almost hopped up and down saying "You're my favorite person!!" That's the kind of interaction that keeps you smiling through everything else. And lately I've been trying to be more conscious of my interactions when *I'm* the customer. I am usually polite, but I've been paying attention to how i act to other people because it's important, and some people are just rude, but i think a lot of people just don't really think about it. And we all need to think about it.

So here's my little tip for all of you - when people in the service industry say "hi, how are you today?" do not say "I need a large decaf latte, no foam and a toasted croissant." Say "I'm good, how are you?" Chances are they will smile. And you might too.

And be nice to your barista. People who haven't had their coffee yet aren't always the most pleasant in the morning, and the barista often gets reduced to a non-person. They aren't quite a waitress, they aren't exactly a cashier - they do all of it. Making a good cappuccino takes some real skill, and they have to create a work of art as quickly as possible while 5 more people waiting in line wonder what could possibly take 2 whole minutes, but expect the same for their order. That little jar full of change isn't for you to take a penny out of - that is for the person serving you, taking your money, and making your drink quickly while still managing a smile. So say thank you, and leave them your change once in a while.

boop!

Sometimes all you need is love a cat with opposable thumbs.

This too shall pass

I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty low today. It's hard to keep up a smile when everyone around you is in pain or stressed out or miserable. You want to fix it. You want to fix it all. And you feel like you could if you tried - but if you could, why haven't you tried? Why haven't you already rearranged that cabinet, repainted that ceiling, called that doctor, fixed that light fixture, cleaned all the crap out of that room, reorganized the closet? If you could do it, why haven't you? Maybe everyone is miserable because you haven't bothered to do these things. Why can't you be more productive with your life? Why can't you organize your time better so you can get more sleep and have more energy to cook dinner and go to the gym and clean up the back yard?

Do you see where I'm going with this? I need to fix it all. FIX ALL THE THINGS. And then i just want to curl in a ball with a box of cookies and not think about anything or talk to anyone or think about how I'm doing my life wrong. And THIS is why i started this blog. Several months of increased anxiety attacks(something that is usually pretty rare for me unless i'm under extreme stress), feeling constantly unwell and stomach acid, which i'm pretty sure is from stress. I need to chill the fuck out. Nothing is urgent. Nothing needs to be done now. You can't put everything off forever, but sometimes now is not the time. I guess i could try and fix everything. Sure, i could wear myself out too. Or i could try doing one thing at a time. God, even writing this is upping my anxiety and increasing my heart rate. The caffeine doesn't help, I'm sure. 

But today i didn't do a lot. I sat around, ate a leisurely lunch, took care of something I've been putting off, played with my cat who has been antsy since we were gone for a few days, took a walk and took it easy. I felt pretty great. And then everyone around me gets all tense and suddenly i feel sick to my stomach and one cup of coffee feels like 5 and i get this feeling that everything needs to be fixed and its my fault and it feels like it will never, ever go away. 

And i need to CUT THAT SHIT OUT. Because it's gonna be OK. I don't have anything due to tomorrow. No papers, no deadlines, no unpaid bills(not at the moment anyway), no blood transfusions, no flights to catch. I just gotta wake up, shower, and get to work. That's not so hard, right? I need to stop thinking it's all my fault, and that it's my job to fix it all. Because it's not. I can only do so much. and maybe right now that is just working, and going out sometimes, and writing here, and trying to learn how to relax. Maybe that's why i feel so sad? Because it feels like my fault. But this isn't my job. this isn't an 8 hour period where i get paid to constantly move and do things. This is the rest of the time. Maybe i just need to worry less. Maybe i need to stop thinking about how this feels like how it always is, how it always will be. This is temporary. All of it. 

Maybe i should just try and do something i enjoy. Maybe i should go write about something that makes me smile. I'm just not sure how to get out of this mindset that i'm doing everything wrong. That i'm living my life wrong. That is one of the worst feelings in the world - the idea that the way you go about things, the way you think and the way you do things, that it's all wrong and nobody bothered to tell you.