Now and then there is that moment when you find something that shocks your system and causes you to feel something completely unexpected. It could be a beautiful film, it could be a book, it could be a painting, it could be a song you hear for the first time, but sometimes it flips a switch on a memory or an emotion and it becomes so much more. And it's no surprise that art evokes emotion - that's what it's supposed to do. But sometimes you see that painting, and an hour later you realizes you are still standing there, staring at it, and you don't know why. Or you hear that song for the first time(or perhaps it's the 50th and you've just never listened to the lyrics before) and suddenly for no reason you just start crying; not necessarily because you're sad, or happy or anything in particular. It's because it rips open that part of yourself that you thought was closed so tightly - perhaps for good - and all at once you're feeling ALL THE THINGS and the only way you can release it all is with tears.
I have felt so utterly broken lately. I'm not numb, exactly, but i know there are a lot of things i haven't felt lately. Part of it might be that i just don't have the energy right now with everything else going on. Part of it might be that i just feel so damn alone these days. Maybe it's just depression - i hate that explanation because it always *could* be depression, since the sole mission of depression seems to be to fuck with any normality in your life. And sometimes mine manifests in complete numbness, sometimes only a little bit, sometimes for a day, sometimes months. But i guess i get scared that i can't feel those things anymore, that i won't be able to open myself up to someone when i need to. It's been so long since anyone has asked me to, or that i've felt it was ok, that i'm not sure i remember how. It's at the point where...i don't exactly WANT to feel pain, but at least hurting is a feeling, it's proof that you are alive. But i just found an album tonight by a guy named John Mark Nelson that broke me down completely in the span of 10 minutes. And in a way it hurts because it reminds me of all the things i haven't felt in so long, all the things i'm missing. But it also made me realize that...if i can be so moved by music, those feelings must all still be there. Maybe i haven't used them in a while, maybe i need a little help digging them out, but they're still there, waiting.
