Wasting all my time

I have this overwhelming feeling today that something is wrong.  Can't seem to shake it. I've taken a walk and had a delicious espresso beverage and gone to my favorite coffee shop to write. Wearing my favorite shirt and listening to my favorite singer....but something's not right. It doesn't feel sad, or stressed, or upset, or anything like that. It just feels....off. Can't seem to get the words on the page, can't focus. Can't do anything that i want to do.

Maybe that's just it though - it feels like today wasn't anything that i wanted it to be. But what was that? Relaxing? It was. A day i got to sleep in? Yep. A writing day? Well, i'm sitting here now and this is the most productive i've been in hours. Anybody else get these days? Days that feel like a waste? Perhaps it's part of the feeling that i constantly need to be productive or i'm wasting my time. Which is, y'know, bullshit.

I guess the best i can do is make use of the rest of the evening in the best way i can, and remember that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow i get to start over.

Perhaps i'll get started on the obscene amount of pumpkin bread i need to make for Thursday. By which i mean enough for at least 150 people.

Oh yes. There will be bread.

Depression and why we need to talk about it

I've been hearing about a lot of my friends having a tough time lately. And i've been having a tough time too. I think mine has been accentuated by stress and a lot of physical pain lately(which i think is largely due to stress), but it seems like a lot of us are going through a rough patch. And one of these friends mentioned something i said before about depression - we need to talk about this. This blog is a place for me to get out my thoughts, but it's not just about that. It's about the fact that when you talk about depression...nobody wants to listen. It's a downer. It's not fun. It's seen as a phase, something you can get over, something that's your problem, something that's wrong with you. Some people have the audacity to call it weakness. But i was pointed to an article, and that article linked to this heart wrenching video.

This. This is why i started this blog.

Manners and the Service Industry (or, Why You Should Tip Your Barista)

I've worked in retail/food service/ for years now, and it's the type of job where you learn to both love and hate your customers. More than half the time when i greet a customer, i get a response of :

I need this.
Give me this.
Ok, this, and that, and 2 of those and 4 of these, i think. Got it?

Sometimes they start talking before you even get to say hello. You see them, open your mouth to speak and hear "vanilla. i need vanilla." And then you have to say "what?" because your brain wasn't ready to take orders, and then they think you have a hearing problem. I don't expect a hug and a handshake. They don't even have to tell me how they are. But a smile, or a pause, or an acknowledgement that i have spoken to them and greeted them, or even making eye contact with to me to communicate that they would like help would be nice. And not everyone does that, some customers are wonderful. I had a women the other day who a coworker diverted to me, since i was available and she was not, and the customer(who is a regular) looked at me and almost hopped up and down saying "You're my favorite person!!" That's the kind of interaction that keeps you smiling through everything else. And lately I've been trying to be more conscious of my interactions when *I'm* the customer. I am usually polite, but I've been paying attention to how i act to other people because it's important, and some people are just rude, but i think a lot of people just don't really think about it. And we all need to think about it.

So here's my little tip for all of you - when people in the service industry say "hi, how are you today?" do not say "I need a large decaf latte, no foam and a toasted croissant." Say "I'm good, how are you?" Chances are they will smile. And you might too.

And be nice to your barista. People who haven't had their coffee yet aren't always the most pleasant in the morning, and the barista often gets reduced to a non-person. They aren't quite a waitress, they aren't exactly a cashier - they do all of it. Making a good cappuccino takes some real skill, and they have to create a work of art as quickly as possible while 5 more people waiting in line wonder what could possibly take 2 whole minutes, but expect the same for their order. That little jar full of change isn't for you to take a penny out of - that is for the person serving you, taking your money, and making your drink quickly while still managing a smile. So say thank you, and leave them your change once in a while.

boop!

Sometimes all you need is love a cat with opposable thumbs.

This too shall pass

I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty low today. It's hard to keep up a smile when everyone around you is in pain or stressed out or miserable. You want to fix it. You want to fix it all. And you feel like you could if you tried - but if you could, why haven't you tried? Why haven't you already rearranged that cabinet, repainted that ceiling, called that doctor, fixed that light fixture, cleaned all the crap out of that room, reorganized the closet? If you could do it, why haven't you? Maybe everyone is miserable because you haven't bothered to do these things. Why can't you be more productive with your life? Why can't you organize your time better so you can get more sleep and have more energy to cook dinner and go to the gym and clean up the back yard?

Do you see where I'm going with this? I need to fix it all. FIX ALL THE THINGS. And then i just want to curl in a ball with a box of cookies and not think about anything or talk to anyone or think about how I'm doing my life wrong. And THIS is why i started this blog. Several months of increased anxiety attacks(something that is usually pretty rare for me unless i'm under extreme stress), feeling constantly unwell and stomach acid, which i'm pretty sure is from stress. I need to chill the fuck out. Nothing is urgent. Nothing needs to be done now. You can't put everything off forever, but sometimes now is not the time. I guess i could try and fix everything. Sure, i could wear myself out too. Or i could try doing one thing at a time. God, even writing this is upping my anxiety and increasing my heart rate. The caffeine doesn't help, I'm sure. 

But today i didn't do a lot. I sat around, ate a leisurely lunch, took care of something I've been putting off, played with my cat who has been antsy since we were gone for a few days, took a walk and took it easy. I felt pretty great. And then everyone around me gets all tense and suddenly i feel sick to my stomach and one cup of coffee feels like 5 and i get this feeling that everything needs to be fixed and its my fault and it feels like it will never, ever go away. 

And i need to CUT THAT SHIT OUT. Because it's gonna be OK. I don't have anything due to tomorrow. No papers, no deadlines, no unpaid bills(not at the moment anyway), no blood transfusions, no flights to catch. I just gotta wake up, shower, and get to work. That's not so hard, right? I need to stop thinking it's all my fault, and that it's my job to fix it all. Because it's not. I can only do so much. and maybe right now that is just working, and going out sometimes, and writing here, and trying to learn how to relax. Maybe that's why i feel so sad? Because it feels like my fault. But this isn't my job. this isn't an 8 hour period where i get paid to constantly move and do things. This is the rest of the time. Maybe i just need to worry less. Maybe i need to stop thinking about how this feels like how it always is, how it always will be. This is temporary. All of it. 

Maybe i should just try and do something i enjoy. Maybe i should go write about something that makes me smile. I'm just not sure how to get out of this mindset that i'm doing everything wrong. That i'm living my life wrong. That is one of the worst feelings in the world - the idea that the way you go about things, the way you think and the way you do things, that it's all wrong and nobody bothered to tell you.

A post in which i realize i don't know how to relax

So my goal here is going to post at least once a week. Hopefully more, but I'm gonna leave it there for now because I've started so many blogs where i posted too often and it got overwhelming, or not enough, and then i got concerned about who was reading it or what i should be writing and my head almost exploded so i quit. This time it's about me. I would love to have an audience. I would LOOOOVE it. If you're reading this now, comment and say hello so i know you're out there. But the whole point of this is that I'm a writer who is not writing. And there is something wrong with that. But I'm cringing when i look at my old works that need new endings(I'm really hard on myself) and I'm intimidated by the new ones I've started/the ideas that have yet to be written. SO. Here we are.

I have realized one thing lately. I've been feeling very unwell for the last couple of weeks. Mentally, physically, my appetite is off, I'm feeling sick to my stomach no matter what i eat/don't eat. One day coffee makes me violently ill. But it's fine the next. One day i eat fried food and i'm fine. I eat salads and i want to curl up in a ball. But I've had cousins over, I've had a lot going on at work, i have been sleeping poorly, and I've been concerned about a lot of my own things(how i need to save money, clean out my room, get into a better routine, be less stressed - yes, i'm stressed about being stressed), and I've walked around feeling like a zombie with no appetite. And i realized something:

I need to chill the fuck out.

And then i realized something else - i don't know how. I don't know how to relax. I sort of do - i get a root beer and a good movie, or a book, or my guitar and have a night in. Or just put on my headphones and walk until i get tired of the music or i forgot what i was worried about. But then i have a day off, and i sleep in. OH GOD I SLEPT IN. And suddenly, i can't do everything i meant to get done. And then it's already 3 or 4 and I've done nothing, so i can only do a few thing I've planned and I'm stressed out because i wasted the day because I'm a lazy person and i cant get anything done ever and i'm never organized and this is why my whole life is a mess and i don't know what i'm doing with my life. And then i get out and do everything in a hurry or i sit around feeling sorry for myself that i wasted the day. Because obviously a day off can't be a day off.

Now some of you may have noticed somewhere in that paragraph that this is all bullshit. Because sometimes on a day off, you need to sit on your ass and do nothing. Sometimes that's what you need. I run around 5 days a week where i am on my feet for 8 straight hours with a pretty smile painted on my face, acting polite and friendly even when i get insulted by people who think i'm a dumb blonde and that i wasted my college education by working in a shop(a shop where i have to retain a ridiculous amount of information where i learn new things everyday). It's exhausting. And I'm pretty sure that all this stress is what is causing me to feel like a zombie with no appetite. So what did i do today? Almost nothing. I had planned to do a bunch of things today, but it's 95 degrees in the Chicago suburbs today, and so i sat on my ass most of the day with my cat, in an air conditioned room. And now I'm writing. Maybe that's all I'll get done today, but you know what? I deserve it. That's the important thing here. It's OK to do nothing sometimes. It's ok to relax. It's ok to have a day where i did nothing productive other than take a shower and get dressed. Hell, sometimes you just gotta spend a whole day in your PJ's. I think everyone needs that at least once.

Now lazing about is not something you should do all the time, of course. And i find that often doing nothing can get really depressing. And when you get depressed, it's hard to do anything because you just think "what's the point?". So you don't get anything done, and then.... But why is that so bad? A vacation is doing nothing. Well, it depends on who you are, i guess. Some people wake up at dawn on vacation so they don't miss a minute to do things. But vacations are important so you can recharge from your usual life, especially if you put a lot of effort into your job/school/etc. So why can't i do that for a day? Yes, there are a million things to get done - and there always will be. Always. Well, until i write a bestseller and become rich and hire a secretary to do everything for me so i can spend all day writing and doing what i want.  But until then, sometimes it's OK to have a day where i have absolutely nothing to show for it.

It's OK, because i deserve it.

Stars

Whenever i go walking late at night, beneath a sky full of stars, it always gives me the feeling that there is something beautiful at the edge of my mind, something that i just cannot reach. And it’s almost as if i think that if i just stare at them long enough, i’ll figure out what it is…but i never do. And it fills me with this sense of awe and sadness, of inspiration and mortality. A sort of sad passion i could never explain. But maybe that’s the whole reason i write in the first place, because i'm trying to explain things i've never been quite able to put into words. Because i want to make you see what i see. Maybe that’s why i’m here.