A post in which i realize i don't know how to relax

So my goal here is going to post at least once a week. Hopefully more, but I'm gonna leave it there for now because I've started so many blogs where i posted too often and it got overwhelming, or not enough, and then i got concerned about who was reading it or what i should be writing and my head almost exploded so i quit. This time it's about me. I would love to have an audience. I would LOOOOVE it. If you're reading this now, comment and say hello so i know you're out there. But the whole point of this is that I'm a writer who is not writing. And there is something wrong with that. But I'm cringing when i look at my old works that need new endings(I'm really hard on myself) and I'm intimidated by the new ones I've started/the ideas that have yet to be written. SO. Here we are.

I have realized one thing lately. I've been feeling very unwell for the last couple of weeks. Mentally, physically, my appetite is off, I'm feeling sick to my stomach no matter what i eat/don't eat. One day coffee makes me violently ill. But it's fine the next. One day i eat fried food and i'm fine. I eat salads and i want to curl up in a ball. But I've had cousins over, I've had a lot going on at work, i have been sleeping poorly, and I've been concerned about a lot of my own things(how i need to save money, clean out my room, get into a better routine, be less stressed - yes, i'm stressed about being stressed), and I've walked around feeling like a zombie with no appetite. And i realized something:

I need to chill the fuck out.

And then i realized something else - i don't know how. I don't know how to relax. I sort of do - i get a root beer and a good movie, or a book, or my guitar and have a night in. Or just put on my headphones and walk until i get tired of the music or i forgot what i was worried about. But then i have a day off, and i sleep in. OH GOD I SLEPT IN. And suddenly, i can't do everything i meant to get done. And then it's already 3 or 4 and I've done nothing, so i can only do a few thing I've planned and I'm stressed out because i wasted the day because I'm a lazy person and i cant get anything done ever and i'm never organized and this is why my whole life is a mess and i don't know what i'm doing with my life. And then i get out and do everything in a hurry or i sit around feeling sorry for myself that i wasted the day. Because obviously a day off can't be a day off.

Now some of you may have noticed somewhere in that paragraph that this is all bullshit. Because sometimes on a day off, you need to sit on your ass and do nothing. Sometimes that's what you need. I run around 5 days a week where i am on my feet for 8 straight hours with a pretty smile painted on my face, acting polite and friendly even when i get insulted by people who think i'm a dumb blonde and that i wasted my college education by working in a shop(a shop where i have to retain a ridiculous amount of information where i learn new things everyday). It's exhausting. And I'm pretty sure that all this stress is what is causing me to feel like a zombie with no appetite. So what did i do today? Almost nothing. I had planned to do a bunch of things today, but it's 95 degrees in the Chicago suburbs today, and so i sat on my ass most of the day with my cat, in an air conditioned room. And now I'm writing. Maybe that's all I'll get done today, but you know what? I deserve it. That's the important thing here. It's OK to do nothing sometimes. It's ok to relax. It's ok to have a day where i did nothing productive other than take a shower and get dressed. Hell, sometimes you just gotta spend a whole day in your PJ's. I think everyone needs that at least once.

Now lazing about is not something you should do all the time, of course. And i find that often doing nothing can get really depressing. And when you get depressed, it's hard to do anything because you just think "what's the point?". So you don't get anything done, and then.... But why is that so bad? A vacation is doing nothing. Well, it depends on who you are, i guess. Some people wake up at dawn on vacation so they don't miss a minute to do things. But vacations are important so you can recharge from your usual life, especially if you put a lot of effort into your job/school/etc. So why can't i do that for a day? Yes, there are a million things to get done - and there always will be. Always. Well, until i write a bestseller and become rich and hire a secretary to do everything for me so i can spend all day writing and doing what i want.  But until then, sometimes it's OK to have a day where i have absolutely nothing to show for it.

It's OK, because i deserve it.

Stars

Whenever i go walking late at night, beneath a sky full of stars, it always gives me the feeling that there is something beautiful at the edge of my mind, something that i just cannot reach. And it’s almost as if i think that if i just stare at them long enough, i’ll figure out what it is…but i never do. And it fills me with this sense of awe and sadness, of inspiration and mortality. A sort of sad passion i could never explain. But maybe that’s the whole reason i write in the first place, because i'm trying to explain things i've never been quite able to put into words. Because i want to make you see what i see. Maybe that’s why i’m here.

And so it begins...

So I've been meaning to start a blog for ages.

Well, start a blog and keep it, anyway. The big question has been: what is this about? Why am i here? What do i have to say? Does anyone give a shit? I am by no means a quiet person - i can talk a lot. And i am analytical and curious by nature. So there's a lot going on my head and a lot i have to talk about. So i finally decided to start a blog on something i love and something i hate - or rather, something i could talk about endlessly, and something i need to talk about.

Something i hate: So I've got depression. This is something i need to talk about. Honestly, this is something we as a society need to talk about. If you bring up depression with someone who isn't familiar with the topic or isn't comfortable with it, you usually get one of two reactions. 1) "Oh....I'm sorry..."*uncomfortable silence* And then they assume everything you say will be sad and act somber, or they say almost nothing and pretend the floor is really, REALLY fascinating until they can suddenly think of something to change the subject.. 2) "Have you seen a doctor? Maybe you should get some meds. They helped my cousin. Well, how do you know if you haven't tried them first?"

Just because someone is depressed doesn't mean everything they say will be sad. It doesn't mean they are always sad. It doesn't mean they want you to be sad for them - in fact, that will likely make them feel worse. I have days where I'm a goddamn ray of sunshine, sometimes. If you don't get it, ask us. If you don't know what it means, ask us. If you're uncomfortable because you don't know what to say, that's ok, just don't pretend it's invisible, like a giant pink elephant you're avoiding making eye contact with. And not everybody needs meds. Throwing pills at a problem doesn't always fix it. And the side effects aren't always worth it. I've got pretty mild depression, so i have my bad days, but a lot of times some sleep, a cheerful movie, and a good friend to talk to will help. Not always, but a lot of the time. I cannot tell you how many times people have told me "well maybe you need medication" right off the bat. It's possible, but it's not like trying a new kind of muffin. You don't just try it on. It's something you research and talk to a pro about. And at this point in time, i haven't found evidence that any sort of heavy meds will provide more positive effects than negative. I've been trying a supplement called Sam-e(which i highly recommend) and it really seems to be helping so far. And this brings me to...

Something i love: In my opinion, the best way to get out of a sour mood is to do something you love. This doesn't always fix it. Some days are too bad to fix. But i have fixed many a bad day by baking some cookies. Worst case scenario? I'm still in a bad mood and i have cookies. There are worse things.  But i also find that writing or watching a good film can help. Writing allows me to get out my anxieties, even if it's on a piece of paper that i throw away. And a good film can inspire you or give you hope that sometimes there are happy endings, even if it's only a story. But what helps me to heal the most  is music. It inspires me, gives me hope, tells a story, and it evokes emotions i sometimes forget about. As someone who sometimes feels a little numb, that's a pretty powerful thing.

And so i guess my goal here is to create a place to talk about those difficult days and the struggles of living with a weight on your shoulders, and the things that make it worth trouble. So it is a place for me and my own thoughts, but if it can provide any advice for anyone dealing with the same things, or help them feel less alone, than i will be nothing short of ecstatic.

And so begins my journey into the land of Blog.